When it Comes to Kids, Credit Cards Cannot Fix Everything


By Jackie Saulmon Ramirez | March 14, 2013

Several years ago, I was faced with an upsetting dilemma when Chelsey* was in the fifth grade. Some of her grades were mediocre and my husband wanted better grades so he made her an offer she couldn’t refuse. He told her he would give her $10 for every A she brought home on the next report card.

Chelsey applied herself for the next few weeks bringing her books home every day, completing assignments and doing extra work. She already wanted good grades and getting $10 for each A was great but what she really wanted was to make her dad proud of her— he would be so happy!

At the end of the marking period Chelsey was beaming— she got three As! The other grades had improved and I told her she should be proud of how hard she worked. Chelsey was excitedly waiting for her dad to get home so he could see her report card.

Chelsey’s dad arrived home while I was outside cooking on the grill. I could hear the two of them at the kitchen table talking and then voices were raised; something was wrong.

“What’s the matter, Chelsey?” I asked.

“I got gypped!” she said surprised.

I came inside to see what happened. My husband said he doesn’t pay for Gym and English grades, that only academic courses like Math, Science and Social Studies deserved ten dollars each.

Chelsey and I looked at each other not believing what we heard. He was backing out of his deal— $10 for every A she earned. I told him it wasn’t fair; that he was changing the rules after the marking period was over. What I said did not matter; as an engineer himself, he attached no value to any class that was not Math, Science or Social Studies.

Puzzled? I was beyond puzzled. I could tell myself that he was acting that way because he grew up in abject poverty in another country and without a father but was not convinced. I could see him changing his mind and only wanting to pay for the ‘academic’ grades but you can not go back on your word, especially to your own child.

Explaining the situation to my daughter was not easy. I told Chelsey that nobody can control the actions of another; we can only control our own behavior and how we respond to a situation. No, her father was not going to give her three ten-dollar bills for her three As. I told her as upset as we were, I had come up with a solution.

“Credit cards fix everything!” We went shopping! Chelsey made out like a bandit and while it was not resolved the way I would have wanted, at least I felt better.

There were no perfect options. Chelsey’s dad had hurt his credibility as a father, something he could not understand or repair. How would this affect their relationship when she was a teenager? Did she see him as someone she could depend on? Did she know he would be there for her when she might need him? My going against his wishes had hurt our relationship too and put me in between him and our children; something nobody wanted. I kept his word that day, something I was ready to do again if need be.

Mister Ramirez is still Chelsey’s dad and my husband of thirty-two years. How would you have handled this situation? What would you have done differently? I would love to hear from you.

*Names have been changed to protect their privacy.

Copyright © 2014 Jackie Saulmon Ramirez. All Rights Reserved.

New Jersey 24-Hour Family Helpline: 1-800-THE-KIDS

Parents Anonymous® of New Jersey, Inc.
Phone: (609) 585-7666
Fax: (609) 585-7686
E-mail: PANJInfo@PAofNJ.org
Website: PA-of-NJ.org

Join the Online Support Group
Wednesdays 9:00 p.m. to 11:00 p.m. EST
Thursdays 12:00 p.m. to 2:00 p.m. EST

Facebook: Parent Rap – Soup To Nuts

Parents Anonymous® Inc.
Phone: (909) 621-6184
Fax: (909) 621-0614
Website: ParentsAnonymous.org

National Parent Helpline
1-855-4A PARENT OR 1-855-427-2736
Hours: Monday – Friday 10 a.m. to 7 p.m. PST

About Jackie Saulmon Ramirez

Jackie has volunteered for more than twenty years for children and family issues. Currently she writes for parents in the "Reminder" and "Parent Rap" Facebook page. If you are interested in receiving the "Reminder," send her a message.
This entry was posted in How-To, Parenting and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to When it Comes to Kids, Credit Cards Cannot Fix Everything

  1. 1tric says:

    I have a variety of ages in my gang. Sadly their dad regularly messes up as I would see it. They come to me wailing! However as the years have gone by they totally get that we are two different people. And the amazing thing is that especially the eldest two,have learned to really enjoy his crazy ways!

    Like

    • Jackie Saulmon Ramirez says:

      Oh boy, I understand that. My husband has many faults too but like most people, none of us are perfect. The important thing is that you stuck it out rather than heading for divorce too quickly. The difficult times go hand-in-hand with the good times to form the family glue. A Parents Anonymous member once told me, “Your husbands shoes being strewn about will drive you crazy– till they are no longer there.” Thank you for reminding me of that.

      Like

Share your thoughts and ideas!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s